as the year draws to an end...

this year has been an emotional theme park. i cannot express enough gratitude and appreciation for everyone this year. sorry if its vague, but im serious. from my ALL of my parents and family; whether they be blood, step, in-law, or even adopted by friendship that means you Carol and Joy everyone has been there for my family in some way or another.

Mommy, thank you for juggling school and time to drive out to utah more times in 2 months than anyone should have to, to help me take care of josh. even if you say its no big deal, it is. thank you for letting my little family stay with you while robert looked for a job so we could get our own place again. i love everything you have had to offer, even a nice back scratching every now and then. im greatfull you have been there my whole life to sacrifice your time to give me a wonderful life.

Mom, thank you for being there with me through this whole mess. im glad you were there to hold my hand when i went through hell getting my son here to this earth. thank you for being that rock i needed to anchor myself to when i thought i wanted to just start planning my funeral. thank you for being the one to plant that idea in my head to go to Arizona cancer center. every girls night out and long talks on your bed- even though you had to get up early for work. you are always willing to talk when i need it. or vent about anything.

Dad, i know you and i havent seen eye to eye lately, im sorry if ive hurt you by distancing my family lately, but i want you to know im greatful for all our memories. i miss those days we would play record after record all day long. I still listen to ELO, Queen, and Boston because of you. i miss the random moments you decided to chase us, you would get that goofy look in your eye that we wouldnt notice untill the last minute. water fights- whoever got on the roof first had the best position. i miss moments when we would just get up and go to the rubicon. just the two of us. or when i was really little and you were teaching my how to draw a flower. i have always cherrished our memories together, through a lot of the bad there were always those shining moments that stood out. i love you very much but i still hurt. ive always been a very easy going and forgiving person, i just cant seem to forget the bad this time. i really am trying daddy. just give me more time. im glad you are trying too.

PAPA- i want to thank you for everything youve done. i know ive never really had a strong relationship with you growing up, but i cannot express how happy it makes me to see you and josh together. you show so much love for my baby boy, i never have to worry. i feel confident with him in your care. thank you for opening your home to us and dealing with my drama as well. Gracias papa

Marti/dennis- you are the best mother in law ever. :) you were also there through a lot of the bad. you helped me when i needed you, and you never complained. i miss being only a small car ride away. i used to make people laugh when i said i was going on vacation to my mother in laws. they thought i was being sarcastic, but in all reality i was telling the truth. i feel so relaxed and welcome at your home. i cannot express in words how much that meant to me. and dennis, you are the funniest guy i know. your humor is the other reason i love viisiting so much. sometimes i would ask robert if we could visit youguys and if our schedules were too busy i would fix it sso obscurely so we could go. thank you for watching josh while i was recovering, thank you for helping us clean and sell our stuff. thank you for being a wonderful example in everything you do.

to all of my friends in utah, im so very greatful to have made so many of you. EVERYONE ive ever worked with at CETC, you are all wonderful spirits. of course some of you are more favorite than others. sorry, its true. lol.
jill- you make me smile more than anyone i know. i love your comments and inside jokess we have. they cheer me up whenever i think of you. i miss moving things in your house so you will have to move them back. your the sweetest person i know.
shurlana- you are a no nonesense friend. thank you for not beating around the bush with anything. i miss hanging out with you. thank you for making me feel like i was needed somewhere.
Mandy- i miss cooking class and your yearly chocolate turtles. :( lol you were a great friend. i wish i had more energy to have hung out with you all more. i miss your stories and girls night at your house.
Liz- im glad i got to meet you. even if our friendship is not in person, i feel a strong connection with you. im greatful for everything you possible could do for us. you didnt have much but you helped as best you could. im glad you are able to enjoy motherhood and im sending wonderful energy your way.

everyone else at CETC, i love you too, dont stop being those shining stars that are doing more good than you know. i miss being there with all my heart. i miss every smiling face and i especially miss getting to make cat noises in public and finally having and excuse. ;)

to my 3rd mother Carol Johnson. thank you for being there since the day i met you. i was just another friend to brianne and you took me in and made me feel welcome. you and your family are the first true friends ive ever had and i feel honored every time you call me your 'other daughter'. i hope you and your family are blessed with support and comfort with the passing of your mother. she was just like you. im glad i was able to learn more about her. brianne is my best friend ive ever had. i hope she finds happiness and joy this next year. she deserves only the best.

to my 4th mother Joy cowley. i love you so much too. ive always felt a connection with you. thank you for all of your comments of my life. they make me laugh when i dont think i can anymore. even from 2 states away you were involved in my life. i cant thank you enough for being apart of my life. Felicia is my other sister. i dont think ive ever known any other friends like brianne and felicia. i still have that little green teddy bear you made. my son was walking around with it at christmas. he kept giving it kisses. thank you mom <3

TO EVERYONE IN HYRUM- i miss all of you and use you all in examples when people say utah is lame. i tell them about Nalyn and her wonderful family, sis wardle, sis ward, chelsea and robert brown and their two beautiful boys. i remind them how when we needed it most we recived homemade jams, breads, and even homemade ground beef (poor bessie) without being asked. i tell them how i had a babysiter for josh even if it was last minute and i had those willing to drive me to doctors visits from logan to salt lake. ive never met anyone like any of you before. i miss you all so much, i wish nevada would trade places with utah. then it wouldnt be so bad. :)

To everyone else in my life, i mean utah, california, and arizona, i want to thank you too. im sorry if i didnt give you your own special letter but hey, this is a freakin long blog post. (am i right) i want you to know, that every smile you have given me and my family, every invite, every anonymous gift, has made an impact in my life. i never thought i would know so many people by 23. or even have done or gone through as much as i have, good and bad. i know im not perfect, ive made decisions in my life that i regret now, but even those bad decisions have shaped me into the woman i am today. im greatful for YOU. it is because of you i can be confident with my situation, thank you and i wish you all a happy new year. dont stop being wonderful. i love you all.

all bad things must come to an end...

for the past week and a half i have had so many wonderful things happening all at once. its too much to take in! some people might look at this and think, "ok, thats not very exciting stuff" but to me its the world. first, MediCal put me back to the correct plan so i can get treatment again. then, i find out the treatment is shrinking the tumors on my liver. (the hip bone and lungs didnt grow or shrink but its better than growing). then, we are able to find an apartment. aparently owning my own home in utah counts as really good apartment rental history. then yesterday robert got a job! a really good paying job as a foreman for a demolition company. im so happy right now. we wont have to worry about bills anymore. i dont have to apply for anymore assistance. all i have to do is go to the cancer center once a week. i can decorate my apartment to my own taste. i can feel like a family again! im so happy right now. christmas is coming up and i dont think ive ever had so many blessings as gifts before. Heavenly father really went all out this year. :)

update

ok, so after i got the call from my doctor about my tumors in my liver shrinking i was so happy. everything after that seems to be going pretty good. im moving out next week. we might be moving closer to my cousin. which is nice, because i get to play with a new baby! hehehehe. and josh will have a friend too i guess. also, i am trying to get signed up with a program where robert gets paid to take care of me and drive me around to my appointments. which would be nice because trying to get a job in california is quite difficult. ive been on hold now for 17 min. and somehow i went from being #1 in line to being #2. hmmm.... oh well, ill wait all day if this program works out. fingers crossed! and i cant wait to decorate for christmas! i think im going to let robert have a broncos tree. or next year. i dont know yet. :p either way, i really just want to get my own place. and dozer gets to go with us!

im going to be ok!

my doctor called me this morning on his day off to tell me my tumors are shrinking! how wonderful is that? i am so happy right now. :) ill update more later.

big moment...

im getting ready to go to my doctors today. i had CT scans done yesterday and today i will know if this drug ive been on for the past 2 months is doing anything helpful or if my hair is turning white just to be funny. please please please let this be good news. if it isnt working my doctor said hes going to find another drug trial to put me on. i cant go through this roller coaster anymore. its driving me insane! why does life have to be so complicated? the only reason i havent snapped yet is because i would never have taken this life if i knew i couldnt handle it. i hope i am right about my own strength.

finally something good...

MediCal FINALLY fixed everything and i am back on track to getting treatment. talk about cutting it close. Today was the deadline before i would loose my spot on the clinical trial. lol. i had a nervous breakdown today because i thought i was screwed. then at 4:30 pm i get a call that everything is good. ugh. so much stress. lol. then we went and finally found an apartment. im so excited! we cant move in until next wednesday. FREEDOM IS SO CLOSE! I cant wait. maybe my luck is finally starting to change... knock on wood. now i just need furniture. lol. my aunt said she has a table so yay. we sold all of our stuff before we moved here remember? who cares. less mess right? :)

homesick

i want to go home. i miss everything about where we lived. we got a letter from the IRS saying we have to pay back the first time homebuyers credit because we arent living there anymore. is it sad that i dont even care anymore? one bad thing after another. its like im not suppose to be here in california. maybe i should just go home. i havent been able to get treatment in 3 weeks. medical has switched my plan and now my doctors office doesnt accept me. unless i want to pay $1,000.00 every time i want to get infusion. maybe im doing this all wrong. maybe i missed something. im so tired of living with my mother. i dont feel like a mom anymore. i dont want to do anything. where is my sunshine?

family pictures

im glad we were able to take family pictures this year. i feel like such a slaker.

Trip to Utah

so, we went out to Utah for a week. it was nice, it felt like we were going home after a long and terrible vacation to california. i dont think i was prepared to see my home housing another family. it was hard. i remembered all my family pictures and decorations hanging on the wall. the memories that came with every room. i began to cry. i know its a stupid thing to cry over. its just a house, but still. heres what i am going through since joshs birthday. i started my clinical trial in october. i take a pill once a day, and get an infusion of another drug once a week.
fun side effects include:
-not being able to taste salt
-not being able to taste sugar
-nausea (sometimes the fun that comes with nausea too)
-low energy
- and my hair is growing in white. :(

things were going well for a while, untill my state insurance decided to change me to another small insurance company. (im on disability so im suppose to stay on medi-Cal.) now my doctors office isnt able to accept that plan so hey, that means no more treatment. i called medi_cal and complained, but apparently its a lot easier to change me off of their plan than to go back. so im in limbo for now.

we went to the Prelitigation hearing against the hospital tuesday. They made me look like a liar. the doctors pretended to have empathy for me and then said i never told them any of my concerns. this makes me sad because now we might not get anything. which means i might never move out of my moms.

it seems like all we have is bad luck. we are broke, living with my mom, and now i cant afford my treatment. i wish my luck would change. i really want to just get a place of our own, but i dont think thats going to happen...

today is my baby boys 1st birthday party!

for those of you who follow this blog you get a sneak peek at the cake. :p i had to post it its so awesome!

For those of you who follow this i want to warn you. the words i write here are what i feel inside. some things are in the moment. some things more personal. this is my journal. it is the only thing i have that i can express every fear and joy without feeling judged and i dont have to sugar coat anything. im not looking for attention or trying to make people feel sad or sorry. this is my life. and so...

im scared. things keep happening to me and i feel i am slipping. why is my body breaking down? i had a dream i was in a field and there were flowers all around me. there were trees and creeks and it was beautiful. i even had long hair again. lol. i saw josh playing in the water, only he was about 4 or 5 years old. he was talking to me saying, "mommy, come play with me before you have to go again." i was having a dream in a dream. i was in joshs dream. he could only see me when he was sleeping. and i was so sad that i didnt have enough time with him. why do i keep hurting myself like this? why cant i escape reality into a dream where nothing hurts me. where im not sick.

i dont remember if i mentioned this, i was rejected for the clinical trial because my insurance company denied coverage for it. i have been trying for the past few weeks to apply for state and federal assistance. i guess my situation is pretty bad if i was approved for federal disability in about 11 days and state assistance and mediCAL in about 2 weeks. that means i can get my spot back in the clinical trial. hopefully this is the road to my future. i hope this treatment works...

more fun

I recently came home from the hospital and thought i should update this. oh yeah, and put up another picture of josh. hes so stinkin cute! anyways, this week I have a rare blood infection that people who dont have a spleen get. So i guess this is my first taste of what the rest of my life without a spleen will be like. I dont know why i am so lucky to keep getting all these rare things. i cant carry my son right now because i have a PIC line. that is a nasty little tube (about the size of a coffee straw) that was inserted into my right arm and travels through a vein all the way to somewhere right before my heart. yea... i hate it. it is sore and did i mention i cant carry my son? :( im so ready to just move on with life. i want to leave all this sickness behind me and just be a mom. i wish i could be back home in utah, where josh is learning to walk in our home. Having play dates with kids from church. walks to go see "albert", the horse around the corner. i miss sitting on my couch watching the rain fall through my big front window. the solitude and the privacy. Its not that im not grateful that my mom is letting us stay here, its that i dont feel like me anymore. This isnt how growing up is suppose to be...

A plan

I finally have a plan. I am going to be starting a clinical trial soon. finally, something i can afford. (clinical trials are free...) Truth is im scared. i dont want to me the mom who is sick and weak. frail. i want to run with my son. teach him how to play crab soccer. build a fort. enjoy a walk by the river. but maybe a frail mom is better than one who isnt there at all. my leg always hurts now. pain killers dont work. and now my doctor says he found i have a blood infection. I had testing done today to check again. i should know in a few days. i had a nightmare the other night that i was in a coma for 6 years. i woke up and josh was a 7 year old boy. he didnt know me and i missed everything. thats what i am afraid of most. i dont want to miss his life. if i am dreaming, when do i get to wake up?

i really wish that giving up was an option... im so sick of being in pain... if i didnt have my son, i probably would... im tired of doctors, pills, tests. tired of pitty and sadness. tired of all the crappy visits and doctors telling me my odds. tired of keeping a straight face in public. im not afraid to die... but im not ready. how is this fair? everyone says how im "so happy and uplifted all the time..." well, this is who i really am. im sad, depressed, and i dont feel like anyone else understands...how could they? i have so much im not willing to leave here on Earth. Everyday reminds me that im one day closer to death. and why havent i started the treatment that can save my life? because i cant afford it. i dont want to leave my husband in debt when it cant save me.

At last...

We made it to California... i wish i could say joshua was the best baby on a plane but i cant... ugh. Worst experience ever. He was too tired to sleep. so sad. anyways, i look forward to getting to visit with all my family and friends. Josh and I really miss Daddy, he is still in Utah untill we get our house cleaned out and rented. i wish i could be super excited that i am home in California, but i cant be. i just left my house, friends, and freedom back in utah. One year ago there were probably people who could say they were jealous of us. we had it all; dog, house, baby, motorcycle! lol but now... all i see is pitty. i hope things work out.

Last full day in Utah.

Today is our last relaxing day in Utah. in our home. Josh and i are flying out tomorrow. Im going to miss robert so much. He wont be joining us untill the end of the month. Here are some last moment pictures of Joshua playing in our huge yard. good bye yard... :(

A sad goodbye...

Robert and i have decided i need to get out to california as soon as i can. i purchased my ticket and josh and i are flying out this upcoming wednesday. Of course bad things happen to me right and left. For the past 3 days i have been complaining about my wisdom teeth. and since last i havent eaten anything except 2 or 3 berries. even then if i swallow food it makes me nauseous. i have no energy and i have a constant headache. Well, i guess we are making one last hurrah at the Logan ER before i leave because robert looked up my symptoms and those are all signs of liver failure. im waiting for my mom to get here so she can watch joshua for us. good news is we wont have to pay for me because i hit my out of pocket already, bad news is... i dont want anymore bad news... wish me luck.

A wonderful surprise....

I asked for help and I got it. People from our church came and helped me pack up my life. Then, as if that wasnt enough, our local grocery store, Ridleys, donated food to us. We are so greatful that we live in a place that cares so much. We are really going to miss everyone we know here in utah. I dont think im ready for the yard sale but i am ready to not have my living room look like this....(see above... lol)

Our story so far...

For those of you who dont know our story, here it is. Ive been wanting to write my story somewhere and i think i finally found somewhere i can. Life has been tough the past few years... wait, let me start from the beginning...

In June of 2005, I started talking to a guy named Robert online. He was a really great friend. I lived in California and he lived in Utah. We talked so much i decided to set off to Utah to "visit my dad" in December of 2005. It was just a coincidence that Robert would be there too. :)

The moment i got out of the car and saw him walking up to me I knew i was in love. He had the best smile and i felt like i had known him for years. He told me that i was familiar to him too. it didnt take long for both of us to know we were meant for each other. We were married for time and all eternity on June 17th, 2006 (i know, hecka fast) in the Logan Utah LDS temple.

Fast forward a few years.....

Robert and i had decided we wanted to start our family in 2007. Month after month we felt like failures. We had no idea why we couldn't get pregnant. in October of 2008, I took a trip to the ER when i collapsed in our apartment kitchen from a pain in my left side. i had been dealing with small pains all day that gradually got worse. The doctor there told me i pulled a muscle in my ribs or something and told me to go home and take motrin. (this has a point later i promise...)

in November of that same year i got in a fender bender (not my fault! lol) and i had my shoulder tweaked. the paramedics told me i might as well go to the ER for it because i wasnt gonna pay for it anyways, the guy who hit me would. I figured i would bring up my pain in my side again along with my shoulder. again. just pulled something. xrays were taken and ultrasounds were done and they told me i was fine. gave me a muscle relaxant for my shoulder and sent me on my way. a month later i went to instacare because my hands and face swelled up. they told me i had an alergic reaction to something and i should go home and try some benadryl. i brought up my concerns with my pain again and they dismissed it... again.

In February of 2009 Robert and i decided since we werent getting pregnant then we would at least get a house. The week of Valentines day we got the keys to our first home. we were so excited. we also got a puppy and named him Dozer. we were a happy little family.

March of 2009 rolled around and i was late. (the kind of late i had been waiting for) sure enough. turns out i was 6 weeks pregnant. now everything was happening too fast! I was still potty training my puppy! i knew all of our dreams had come true. House. Baby. Dog. life was perfect... as i said... life "was" perfect. i continued to grow and so did baby. we found out we were having a boy and we were both really excited. His name would be Joshua Robert Langlois. i started to get high blood pressure around my 5th month. nothing serious. My doctor also told me i needed to watch what i was eating because i was gaining weight too fast. i started at 135lbs. by my 6th month i was 175lbs. not too bad but i felt huge! josh would kick me and i always felt this hard lump resting on my left side or right in the middle of my tummy which looked freaky! lol. the best part was i didnt have any morning sickness! awesome! i had cankles and i had a fat face but i was so happy was gonna be a mommy. by month 7 i weighed 198lbs. yikes!

On October 12th i was put on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. my doctor said i was showing signs of preclamsia and high blood pressure. great. whatever. i called work, told em the situation and that i wouldnt be coming in the next day. i slowly drove home looking at all of the tees i would not see for another month and a half... i was savoring my freedom. i came home to an empty house. Robert had just left that morning for work in Vernal Utah. (4 hours away) i opened a can of NO SODIUM soup, (yuck, stupid diet) and poped it in the microwave.

I opened my eyes and closed them slowly. i was laying on the floor in my kitchen. i remember having a conversation in my head as follows: "why am i laying on the floor?" as i close my eyes again, something tells me to open them. "why does my face hurt?" i close and open my eyes again slowly. "why do i have blood on my arm?" close and open. "why am i laying here again?" close and open. "get up something is wrong." at this point i sit up. i checked the clock. 8:30 pm. 3 and a half hours have passed since i got home. what happened? i dont know why i thought everything was fine at this time. i got up changed my clothes and got into bed. aparently sometime in between changing my clothes and the bed part i called the hospital for help. The on call doctor told me he thinks i had a seizure and its possible i had a concussion as well from the fall. he gave me specific instructions on where to go and told me i needed to get to the hospital ASAP. i guess i forgot cause i decided to snuggle up in bed. once again something told me the situation wasnt right. i called my friends around the corner from me around 9pm. i asked them for a ride to the hospital. I only remember bits and parts of what happened that night. i remmeber telling the man at the ER desk i called someone for help i think and he told me to go somewhere. (really specific.) next thing i remember i was in a bed and my doc was telling me my blood pressure was 178/110. he said it was a miracle i even woke up and was able to call for help. He suggested that i deliver josh ASAP via Cesarean or else i could stroke or worse... we could both die. The next memory i have i am in an operating room and my mom, Jennifer, is there. they are cutting me open. i hear a woman say, "here is your baby boy!" i looked over at the tiny red 4lb 13oz baby boy and threw up. lol. thats the last thing i remember.

Joshua spent the next 2 weeks in the NICU and we were worried about him being six weeks early. He was so tiny, and i loved him more than i ever knew i could love another person.

he came home a few days before haloween on oxygen. My baby was home. Life was good.

In december i decided to go back to work, we were getting low on funds and i needed to loose some fat. i felt really out of shape and i knew my job taking care of mentally disabled adults would whip me back into shape. ( i still weighed 189lbs.) after one week i got a bad cold. i had a fever of 103.9 and i was really sick. my body ached all over and the pain in my side was back with avengance! Robert asked me if i felt i needed to go to the ER. we already hit our out of pocket max with our insurance so the ER visit would be FREE! i hate going there because they always tell me im fine and to go home. This time was different...

On december 17th of 2009 the doctors told me that they found a spot on my CT scan. the spot was on my LEFT KIDNEY. that explained the pain for all these years. he sent me to a urologist to talk to me further. My "spot" turned out to be the same size as my liver. he showed me the picture and i couldnt belive what was happening. he began to explain what i was looking at and told me he knew a great surgeon in Salt lake who could remove it ASAP. he began to tell me that i could loose my left kidney. there was no way of knowing untill they opened me up. my sister was getting married in 2 days in california. i told my family i wasnt going to go because i just had a cecarean a little over a month and a half ago. i decided i wanted to go. The doctor told me i might not survive the surgery. and that it might even be cancer. all i knew was i may never see my family again.

December 19th of 2009 my sister married JP and became Mrs. Brazzle. (however its spelled...lol) i cried all day and nobody thought otherwise. they saw a sister crying for joy that her older sister finally married a good guy. what they didnt know was that i was there to say my goodbyes. i didnt want to tell anyone about my situation, ESPECIALLY my mom because this was my sisters happy day. My step mom and my dad who live in utah knew but nobody else did. by the end of the reception i began to loose it. i was getting closer and closer to having to reveal to my family what was wrong. i had to take my pain killers so i could even handle staying at the table so i told my brother what was wrong with me. he thought i was joking. i explained i needed his help because i was really dizzy and couldnt walk. he helped me as best he could to get around while keeping his game face for mommy.

we said our goodbyes and alicia, my sister, left with her new man for their honeymoon. i was driven home and waited for the rest of my family to arrive. my mom said something like "oh finally its over! what a great day!" and my step dad was happiest ive seen him in a long time. i felt like a jerk when i asked everyone to come into the front room. my mom, dad, step dad, step mom, cousin and her husband , grandma and both little brothers were there, staring at me... waiting.

my mom thought i was going to announce i was pregnant again. i wish it were that great of news... I explained to everyone that the doctors had found a way to lower my blood pressure, which dispite medication continued to climb. my mom was relived and my grandma said the spanish version of "thank you jesus!" (lol shes baptist hahaha) anyways, i couldnt think of how to go on so my dad pulled out the picture and began to explain to my family what the doctor told me. my mom freaked out. my step dads blood sugar skyrocketed and my grandma left the room with my mom and stepdad. my cousin started to ask my dad questions and i blanked out. i felt bad. like it was my fault i took the happiest day for my parents and turned it into the worst...

January 12th 2010 i went to the ER again for high fever the day before my surgery. they drew blood and took samples but couldnt figure out why i had a fever. they decided to go ahead with the surgery that was scheduled for the 13th. i had just finished my goodbye letters to my husband and my son. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. I am only 23 years old! i shouldnt be going through this crap this young. i just started my family and i was suppose to be at home taking care of my baby who was finally weighing 9 lbs! I got on the operating table and asked how long it would take before i was out. the doctor looked at me and said, "goodbye." i woke up 3 and a half hours later and was so happy to be alive... and i was starving! my tumor took my left kidney and my spleen too. i also had a scar from my bra to my bikini line. oh well, i was alive!

i began to loose weight fast. 30 lbs in 3 weeks! now i had to deal with ugly flabby skin. yuck! after 1 month of recovery i felt better. i felt great! i got a call from my surgeon. My tumor was a rare cancer called Adrenocortical carcinoma. my life stopped. i broke down and started to cry. i called robert and told him the news. we talked for alittle while but what do you say to that? after we hung up he called his mom. (who was staying with me to help with josh, i wasnt allowed to pick up anything over 5 lbs.) she said he was silent and started to cry. i began radiation treatment in march for 6 weeks. it destoryed the nerves in my lower back and made me limp. after a month i could walk again without pain. yay! i was fine. they cut out my cancer and i was healthy again. i had to deal with getting scanned every 3 months to make sure it didnt come back but hey thats better than dying!

In may of 2010 my oncologist told me that a scan done 2 weeks prior showed 3 little spots on my lungs. great. i was fine but i decided to seek help from a specialist. i went to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America june13th through june 20th. they scanned me from head to toe and drew blood like no tomorrow. we celebrated our 4 year anniversary by going with other cancer patients to a casino. lol. i had a great time! then we had a talk with some of the doctors. my scans showed that my cancer has spread to my liver, lungs, and bones. now i feel like i am going to die. i cant win. this isnt fair! im angry and upset and so is robert. why do i have to die?

In july of 2010 Robert and i decided to seek treatment in california. closer to my mom and family who can help us watch josh while i am going through treatment. we are currently in the process of packing our home and have a moving sale set for this friday and saturday coming up. i hope this decision helps me hold on to hope longer than i think i can. im afraid. i dont want to loose everything i have! my husband, my family, my son. i can only hope this is the right choice.