For those of you who follow this i want to warn you. the words i write here are what i feel inside. some things are in the moment. some things more personal. this is my journal. it is the only thing i have that i can express every fear and joy without feeling judged and i dont have to sugar coat anything. im not looking for attention or trying to make people feel sad or sorry. this is my life. and so...

im scared. things keep happening to me and i feel i am slipping. why is my body breaking down? i had a dream i was in a field and there were flowers all around me. there were trees and creeks and it was beautiful. i even had long hair again. lol. i saw josh playing in the water, only he was about 4 or 5 years old. he was talking to me saying, "mommy, come play with me before you have to go again." i was having a dream in a dream. i was in joshs dream. he could only see me when he was sleeping. and i was so sad that i didnt have enough time with him. why do i keep hurting myself like this? why cant i escape reality into a dream where nothing hurts me. where im not sick.

i dont remember if i mentioned this, i was rejected for the clinical trial because my insurance company denied coverage for it. i have been trying for the past few weeks to apply for state and federal assistance. i guess my situation is pretty bad if i was approved for federal disability in about 11 days and state assistance and mediCAL in about 2 weeks. that means i can get my spot back in the clinical trial. hopefully this is the road to my future. i hope this treatment works...