At last...

We made it to California... i wish i could say joshua was the best baby on a plane but i cant... ugh. Worst experience ever. He was too tired to sleep. so sad. anyways, i look forward to getting to visit with all my family and friends. Josh and I really miss Daddy, he is still in Utah untill we get our house cleaned out and rented. i wish i could be super excited that i am home in California, but i cant be. i just left my house, friends, and freedom back in utah. One year ago there were probably people who could say they were jealous of us. we had it all; dog, house, baby, motorcycle! lol but now... all i see is pitty. i hope things work out.

Last full day in Utah.

Today is our last relaxing day in Utah. in our home. Josh and i are flying out tomorrow. Im going to miss robert so much. He wont be joining us untill the end of the month. Here are some last moment pictures of Joshua playing in our huge yard. good bye yard... :(

A sad goodbye...

Robert and i have decided i need to get out to california as soon as i can. i purchased my ticket and josh and i are flying out this upcoming wednesday. Of course bad things happen to me right and left. For the past 3 days i have been complaining about my wisdom teeth. and since last i havent eaten anything except 2 or 3 berries. even then if i swallow food it makes me nauseous. i have no energy and i have a constant headache. Well, i guess we are making one last hurrah at the Logan ER before i leave because robert looked up my symptoms and those are all signs of liver failure. im waiting for my mom to get here so she can watch joshua for us. good news is we wont have to pay for me because i hit my out of pocket already, bad news is... i dont want anymore bad news... wish me luck.

A wonderful surprise....

I asked for help and I got it. People from our church came and helped me pack up my life. Then, as if that wasnt enough, our local grocery store, Ridleys, donated food to us. We are so greatful that we live in a place that cares so much. We are really going to miss everyone we know here in utah. I dont think im ready for the yard sale but i am ready to not have my living room look like this....(see above... lol)

Our story so far...

For those of you who dont know our story, here it is. Ive been wanting to write my story somewhere and i think i finally found somewhere i can. Life has been tough the past few years... wait, let me start from the beginning...

In June of 2005, I started talking to a guy named Robert online. He was a really great friend. I lived in California and he lived in Utah. We talked so much i decided to set off to Utah to "visit my dad" in December of 2005. It was just a coincidence that Robert would be there too. :)

The moment i got out of the car and saw him walking up to me I knew i was in love. He had the best smile and i felt like i had known him for years. He told me that i was familiar to him too. it didnt take long for both of us to know we were meant for each other. We were married for time and all eternity on June 17th, 2006 (i know, hecka fast) in the Logan Utah LDS temple.

Fast forward a few years.....

Robert and i had decided we wanted to start our family in 2007. Month after month we felt like failures. We had no idea why we couldn't get pregnant. in October of 2008, I took a trip to the ER when i collapsed in our apartment kitchen from a pain in my left side. i had been dealing with small pains all day that gradually got worse. The doctor there told me i pulled a muscle in my ribs or something and told me to go home and take motrin. (this has a point later i promise...)

in November of that same year i got in a fender bender (not my fault! lol) and i had my shoulder tweaked. the paramedics told me i might as well go to the ER for it because i wasnt gonna pay for it anyways, the guy who hit me would. I figured i would bring up my pain in my side again along with my shoulder. again. just pulled something. xrays were taken and ultrasounds were done and they told me i was fine. gave me a muscle relaxant for my shoulder and sent me on my way. a month later i went to instacare because my hands and face swelled up. they told me i had an alergic reaction to something and i should go home and try some benadryl. i brought up my concerns with my pain again and they dismissed it... again.

In February of 2009 Robert and i decided since we werent getting pregnant then we would at least get a house. The week of Valentines day we got the keys to our first home. we were so excited. we also got a puppy and named him Dozer. we were a happy little family.

March of 2009 rolled around and i was late. (the kind of late i had been waiting for) sure enough. turns out i was 6 weeks pregnant. now everything was happening too fast! I was still potty training my puppy! i knew all of our dreams had come true. House. Baby. Dog. life was perfect... as i said... life "was" perfect. i continued to grow and so did baby. we found out we were having a boy and we were both really excited. His name would be Joshua Robert Langlois. i started to get high blood pressure around my 5th month. nothing serious. My doctor also told me i needed to watch what i was eating because i was gaining weight too fast. i started at 135lbs. by my 6th month i was 175lbs. not too bad but i felt huge! josh would kick me and i always felt this hard lump resting on my left side or right in the middle of my tummy which looked freaky! lol. the best part was i didnt have any morning sickness! awesome! i had cankles and i had a fat face but i was so happy was gonna be a mommy. by month 7 i weighed 198lbs. yikes!

On October 12th i was put on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. my doctor said i was showing signs of preclamsia and high blood pressure. great. whatever. i called work, told em the situation and that i wouldnt be coming in the next day. i slowly drove home looking at all of the tees i would not see for another month and a half... i was savoring my freedom. i came home to an empty house. Robert had just left that morning for work in Vernal Utah. (4 hours away) i opened a can of NO SODIUM soup, (yuck, stupid diet) and poped it in the microwave.

I opened my eyes and closed them slowly. i was laying on the floor in my kitchen. i remember having a conversation in my head as follows: "why am i laying on the floor?" as i close my eyes again, something tells me to open them. "why does my face hurt?" i close and open my eyes again slowly. "why do i have blood on my arm?" close and open. "why am i laying here again?" close and open. "get up something is wrong." at this point i sit up. i checked the clock. 8:30 pm. 3 and a half hours have passed since i got home. what happened? i dont know why i thought everything was fine at this time. i got up changed my clothes and got into bed. aparently sometime in between changing my clothes and the bed part i called the hospital for help. The on call doctor told me he thinks i had a seizure and its possible i had a concussion as well from the fall. he gave me specific instructions on where to go and told me i needed to get to the hospital ASAP. i guess i forgot cause i decided to snuggle up in bed. once again something told me the situation wasnt right. i called my friends around the corner from me around 9pm. i asked them for a ride to the hospital. I only remember bits and parts of what happened that night. i remmeber telling the man at the ER desk i called someone for help i think and he told me to go somewhere. (really specific.) next thing i remember i was in a bed and my doc was telling me my blood pressure was 178/110. he said it was a miracle i even woke up and was able to call for help. He suggested that i deliver josh ASAP via Cesarean or else i could stroke or worse... we could both die. The next memory i have i am in an operating room and my mom, Jennifer, is there. they are cutting me open. i hear a woman say, "here is your baby boy!" i looked over at the tiny red 4lb 13oz baby boy and threw up. lol. thats the last thing i remember.

Joshua spent the next 2 weeks in the NICU and we were worried about him being six weeks early. He was so tiny, and i loved him more than i ever knew i could love another person.

he came home a few days before haloween on oxygen. My baby was home. Life was good.

In december i decided to go back to work, we were getting low on funds and i needed to loose some fat. i felt really out of shape and i knew my job taking care of mentally disabled adults would whip me back into shape. ( i still weighed 189lbs.) after one week i got a bad cold. i had a fever of 103.9 and i was really sick. my body ached all over and the pain in my side was back with avengance! Robert asked me if i felt i needed to go to the ER. we already hit our out of pocket max with our insurance so the ER visit would be FREE! i hate going there because they always tell me im fine and to go home. This time was different...

On december 17th of 2009 the doctors told me that they found a spot on my CT scan. the spot was on my LEFT KIDNEY. that explained the pain for all these years. he sent me to a urologist to talk to me further. My "spot" turned out to be the same size as my liver. he showed me the picture and i couldnt belive what was happening. he began to explain what i was looking at and told me he knew a great surgeon in Salt lake who could remove it ASAP. he began to tell me that i could loose my left kidney. there was no way of knowing untill they opened me up. my sister was getting married in 2 days in california. i told my family i wasnt going to go because i just had a cecarean a little over a month and a half ago. i decided i wanted to go. The doctor told me i might not survive the surgery. and that it might even be cancer. all i knew was i may never see my family again.

December 19th of 2009 my sister married JP and became Mrs. Brazzle. (however its spelled...lol) i cried all day and nobody thought otherwise. they saw a sister crying for joy that her older sister finally married a good guy. what they didnt know was that i was there to say my goodbyes. i didnt want to tell anyone about my situation, ESPECIALLY my mom because this was my sisters happy day. My step mom and my dad who live in utah knew but nobody else did. by the end of the reception i began to loose it. i was getting closer and closer to having to reveal to my family what was wrong. i had to take my pain killers so i could even handle staying at the table so i told my brother what was wrong with me. he thought i was joking. i explained i needed his help because i was really dizzy and couldnt walk. he helped me as best he could to get around while keeping his game face for mommy.

we said our goodbyes and alicia, my sister, left with her new man for their honeymoon. i was driven home and waited for the rest of my family to arrive. my mom said something like "oh finally its over! what a great day!" and my step dad was happiest ive seen him in a long time. i felt like a jerk when i asked everyone to come into the front room. my mom, dad, step dad, step mom, cousin and her husband , grandma and both little brothers were there, staring at me... waiting.

my mom thought i was going to announce i was pregnant again. i wish it were that great of news... I explained to everyone that the doctors had found a way to lower my blood pressure, which dispite medication continued to climb. my mom was relived and my grandma said the spanish version of "thank you jesus!" (lol shes baptist hahaha) anyways, i couldnt think of how to go on so my dad pulled out the picture and began to explain to my family what the doctor told me. my mom freaked out. my step dads blood sugar skyrocketed and my grandma left the room with my mom and stepdad. my cousin started to ask my dad questions and i blanked out. i felt bad. like it was my fault i took the happiest day for my parents and turned it into the worst...

January 12th 2010 i went to the ER again for high fever the day before my surgery. they drew blood and took samples but couldnt figure out why i had a fever. they decided to go ahead with the surgery that was scheduled for the 13th. i had just finished my goodbye letters to my husband and my son. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. I am only 23 years old! i shouldnt be going through this crap this young. i just started my family and i was suppose to be at home taking care of my baby who was finally weighing 9 lbs! I got on the operating table and asked how long it would take before i was out. the doctor looked at me and said, "goodbye." i woke up 3 and a half hours later and was so happy to be alive... and i was starving! my tumor took my left kidney and my spleen too. i also had a scar from my bra to my bikini line. oh well, i was alive!

i began to loose weight fast. 30 lbs in 3 weeks! now i had to deal with ugly flabby skin. yuck! after 1 month of recovery i felt better. i felt great! i got a call from my surgeon. My tumor was a rare cancer called Adrenocortical carcinoma. my life stopped. i broke down and started to cry. i called robert and told him the news. we talked for alittle while but what do you say to that? after we hung up he called his mom. (who was staying with me to help with josh, i wasnt allowed to pick up anything over 5 lbs.) she said he was silent and started to cry. i began radiation treatment in march for 6 weeks. it destoryed the nerves in my lower back and made me limp. after a month i could walk again without pain. yay! i was fine. they cut out my cancer and i was healthy again. i had to deal with getting scanned every 3 months to make sure it didnt come back but hey thats better than dying!

In may of 2010 my oncologist told me that a scan done 2 weeks prior showed 3 little spots on my lungs. great. i was fine but i decided to seek help from a specialist. i went to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America june13th through june 20th. they scanned me from head to toe and drew blood like no tomorrow. we celebrated our 4 year anniversary by going with other cancer patients to a casino. lol. i had a great time! then we had a talk with some of the doctors. my scans showed that my cancer has spread to my liver, lungs, and bones. now i feel like i am going to die. i cant win. this isnt fair! im angry and upset and so is robert. why do i have to die?

In july of 2010 Robert and i decided to seek treatment in california. closer to my mom and family who can help us watch josh while i am going through treatment. we are currently in the process of packing our home and have a moving sale set for this friday and saturday coming up. i hope this decision helps me hold on to hope longer than i think i can. im afraid. i dont want to loose everything i have! my husband, my family, my son. i can only hope this is the right choice.