as the year draws to an end...

this year has been an emotional theme park. i cannot express enough gratitude and appreciation for everyone this year. sorry if its vague, but im serious. from my ALL of my parents and family; whether they be blood, step, in-law, or even adopted by friendship that means you Carol and Joy everyone has been there for my family in some way or another.

Mommy, thank you for juggling school and time to drive out to utah more times in 2 months than anyone should have to, to help me take care of josh. even if you say its no big deal, it is. thank you for letting my little family stay with you while robert looked for a job so we could get our own place again. i love everything you have had to offer, even a nice back scratching every now and then. im greatfull you have been there my whole life to sacrifice your time to give me a wonderful life.

Mom, thank you for being there with me through this whole mess. im glad you were there to hold my hand when i went through hell getting my son here to this earth. thank you for being that rock i needed to anchor myself to when i thought i wanted to just start planning my funeral. thank you for being the one to plant that idea in my head to go to Arizona cancer center. every girls night out and long talks on your bed- even though you had to get up early for work. you are always willing to talk when i need it. or vent about anything.

Dad, i know you and i havent seen eye to eye lately, im sorry if ive hurt you by distancing my family lately, but i want you to know im greatful for all our memories. i miss those days we would play record after record all day long. I still listen to ELO, Queen, and Boston because of you. i miss the random moments you decided to chase us, you would get that goofy look in your eye that we wouldnt notice untill the last minute. water fights- whoever got on the roof first had the best position. i miss moments when we would just get up and go to the rubicon. just the two of us. or when i was really little and you were teaching my how to draw a flower. i have always cherrished our memories together, through a lot of the bad there were always those shining moments that stood out. i love you very much but i still hurt. ive always been a very easy going and forgiving person, i just cant seem to forget the bad this time. i really am trying daddy. just give me more time. im glad you are trying too.

PAPA- i want to thank you for everything youve done. i know ive never really had a strong relationship with you growing up, but i cannot express how happy it makes me to see you and josh together. you show so much love for my baby boy, i never have to worry. i feel confident with him in your care. thank you for opening your home to us and dealing with my drama as well. Gracias papa

Marti/dennis- you are the best mother in law ever. :) you were also there through a lot of the bad. you helped me when i needed you, and you never complained. i miss being only a small car ride away. i used to make people laugh when i said i was going on vacation to my mother in laws. they thought i was being sarcastic, but in all reality i was telling the truth. i feel so relaxed and welcome at your home. i cannot express in words how much that meant to me. and dennis, you are the funniest guy i know. your humor is the other reason i love viisiting so much. sometimes i would ask robert if we could visit youguys and if our schedules were too busy i would fix it sso obscurely so we could go. thank you for watching josh while i was recovering, thank you for helping us clean and sell our stuff. thank you for being a wonderful example in everything you do.

to all of my friends in utah, im so very greatful to have made so many of you. EVERYONE ive ever worked with at CETC, you are all wonderful spirits. of course some of you are more favorite than others. sorry, its true. lol.
jill- you make me smile more than anyone i know. i love your comments and inside jokess we have. they cheer me up whenever i think of you. i miss moving things in your house so you will have to move them back. your the sweetest person i know.
shurlana- you are a no nonesense friend. thank you for not beating around the bush with anything. i miss hanging out with you. thank you for making me feel like i was needed somewhere.
Mandy- i miss cooking class and your yearly chocolate turtles. :( lol you were a great friend. i wish i had more energy to have hung out with you all more. i miss your stories and girls night at your house.
Liz- im glad i got to meet you. even if our friendship is not in person, i feel a strong connection with you. im greatful for everything you possible could do for us. you didnt have much but you helped as best you could. im glad you are able to enjoy motherhood and im sending wonderful energy your way.

everyone else at CETC, i love you too, dont stop being those shining stars that are doing more good than you know. i miss being there with all my heart. i miss every smiling face and i especially miss getting to make cat noises in public and finally having and excuse. ;)

to my 3rd mother Carol Johnson. thank you for being there since the day i met you. i was just another friend to brianne and you took me in and made me feel welcome. you and your family are the first true friends ive ever had and i feel honored every time you call me your 'other daughter'. i hope you and your family are blessed with support and comfort with the passing of your mother. she was just like you. im glad i was able to learn more about her. brianne is my best friend ive ever had. i hope she finds happiness and joy this next year. she deserves only the best.

to my 4th mother Joy cowley. i love you so much too. ive always felt a connection with you. thank you for all of your comments of my life. they make me laugh when i dont think i can anymore. even from 2 states away you were involved in my life. i cant thank you enough for being apart of my life. Felicia is my other sister. i dont think ive ever known any other friends like brianne and felicia. i still have that little green teddy bear you made. my son was walking around with it at christmas. he kept giving it kisses. thank you mom <3

TO EVERYONE IN HYRUM- i miss all of you and use you all in examples when people say utah is lame. i tell them about Nalyn and her wonderful family, sis wardle, sis ward, chelsea and robert brown and their two beautiful boys. i remind them how when we needed it most we recived homemade jams, breads, and even homemade ground beef (poor bessie) without being asked. i tell them how i had a babysiter for josh even if it was last minute and i had those willing to drive me to doctors visits from logan to salt lake. ive never met anyone like any of you before. i miss you all so much, i wish nevada would trade places with utah. then it wouldnt be so bad. :)

To everyone else in my life, i mean utah, california, and arizona, i want to thank you too. im sorry if i didnt give you your own special letter but hey, this is a freakin long blog post. (am i right) i want you to know, that every smile you have given me and my family, every invite, every anonymous gift, has made an impact in my life. i never thought i would know so many people by 23. or even have done or gone through as much as i have, good and bad. i know im not perfect, ive made decisions in my life that i regret now, but even those bad decisions have shaped me into the woman i am today. im greatful for YOU. it is because of you i can be confident with my situation, thank you and i wish you all a happy new year. dont stop being wonderful. i love you all.

all bad things must come to an end...

for the past week and a half i have had so many wonderful things happening all at once. its too much to take in! some people might look at this and think, "ok, thats not very exciting stuff" but to me its the world. first, MediCal put me back to the correct plan so i can get treatment again. then, i find out the treatment is shrinking the tumors on my liver. (the hip bone and lungs didnt grow or shrink but its better than growing). then, we are able to find an apartment. aparently owning my own home in utah counts as really good apartment rental history. then yesterday robert got a job! a really good paying job as a foreman for a demolition company. im so happy right now. we wont have to worry about bills anymore. i dont have to apply for anymore assistance. all i have to do is go to the cancer center once a week. i can decorate my apartment to my own taste. i can feel like a family again! im so happy right now. christmas is coming up and i dont think ive ever had so many blessings as gifts before. Heavenly father really went all out this year. :)

update

ok, so after i got the call from my doctor about my tumors in my liver shrinking i was so happy. everything after that seems to be going pretty good. im moving out next week. we might be moving closer to my cousin. which is nice, because i get to play with a new baby! hehehehe. and josh will have a friend too i guess. also, i am trying to get signed up with a program where robert gets paid to take care of me and drive me around to my appointments. which would be nice because trying to get a job in california is quite difficult. ive been on hold now for 17 min. and somehow i went from being #1 in line to being #2. hmmm.... oh well, ill wait all day if this program works out. fingers crossed! and i cant wait to decorate for christmas! i think im going to let robert have a broncos tree. or next year. i dont know yet. :p either way, i really just want to get my own place. and dozer gets to go with us!

im going to be ok!

my doctor called me this morning on his day off to tell me my tumors are shrinking! how wonderful is that? i am so happy right now. :) ill update more later.

big moment...

im getting ready to go to my doctors today. i had CT scans done yesterday and today i will know if this drug ive been on for the past 2 months is doing anything helpful or if my hair is turning white just to be funny. please please please let this be good news. if it isnt working my doctor said hes going to find another drug trial to put me on. i cant go through this roller coaster anymore. its driving me insane! why does life have to be so complicated? the only reason i havent snapped yet is because i would never have taken this life if i knew i couldnt handle it. i hope i am right about my own strength.