whats going on with me?

So. the past few weeks have been an emotional train wreck. i think i was able to hold it together up to the point when i had to have my first wig fitting. thats when i realized exactly how sick ive gotten. i think somewhere in the back of my mind i really thought it was all going to just go away with the last clinical trial. i was going to be home by christmas. and home as in Hyrum utah. in the house that im paying for still but dont get to enjoy. when the sales girl placed the wig on my head i realized im probably never going to go "home". i saw everything slip away. and its not like i looked THAT different, i still have my hair right now. (doc said it could take about 2 or 3 months to fall out so ive still got time... and MAYBE a 15% chance it wont fall out at all!!! so, for a girl who gets the slim % of all the crappy things, lets pray i get that %15 this time!) anyways, after i purchased my new hair i felt fake. i went to this class to learn to care for my hair and make-up while im on treatment. i was the only one not bald and covered in bandages. so, where do i fit in now? it was nice to talk to them though and meet others who have already gone through what i am about to face, but at the same time i felt like they were... not jealous... whats the word i want to use? i dont know. but i felt alone again. all the while, im now on crutches because my hip is to the point that meds dont take the pain away anymore. ive learned to just deal with it. which is where i feel i fail again. i cant lift my son. i cant put him in the car or take him on long walks to the park. i cant lift him in and out of a bath. or carry him to his bed when he falls asleep in my arms. after the chemo i was out for about 5 days. i lost my ability to taste. my ability to control my aggression. i felt tired and hot and swollen. i had pain. and worst of all i wasnt allowed to touch my son for 3 days. no kisses goodnight. no hugs, to snuggles. my body was so toxic i was forced to avoid the one person in this world that i wanted closest to me. i cried uncontrollably and just slept. i didnt want to do anything. and just when i was finally coming around to feeling better... tuesday rolled up and i started all over. i cant tell you how frustrating it is to feel like a prisoner in your own head. someone would laugh or make a joke and it would make me so angry and i would snap at them, but while im being Mrs. Monster Mommy, the real me inside is crying and begging that someday someone will forgive me. i wish i could just say its mind over matter but it really isnt that simple. the poisons they are pumping through my body are changing me into a person i dont ever want to be. someone ive strived my whole life to avoid. dr jeckle mr hyde crap. im hurting so many people and i want to apologize to anyone that ive offended. yesterday i hit rock bottom. i broke hard. i started to cry while they were taking my blood at the hospital and didnt stop. that mixed with no sleep and various other arguments ide had in the past few days exploded out of me. josh saw me crying i think for the first time in his life. it broke my heart to have him see me like that but he knew what i needed. he gave me a hug and a kiss and sat next to me. it helped me more than he knew. hes such a smart kid. i love him to pieces. i also took my new puppy Pippin to the shelter. ive been trying to find him a home for a while since i cant care for him while im on chemo. sadly, no one bought him so now hes at the shelter. he will go fast there though. so i had a rough day that just kept going down down down. luckly, my mom offered to watch josh so robert and i could go on a real date. we havent had a date since i can remember. usually, we go out with family, or friends or just get dollar menue. but it was nice to be out and not have to worry about kid or bills and just be there for eachother. i have been trying to work on keeping monster natalie at bay, i want to think im strong enough to keep her away forever, but sadly... im not. she will be back when i get my next round in 2 weeks. but for now, i think im back to me again. and thats whats up with me as of now. well, im off to go get groceries... lol bye!