A plan

I finally have a plan. I am going to be starting a clinical trial soon. finally, something i can afford. (clinical trials are free...) Truth is im scared. i dont want to me the mom who is sick and weak. frail. i want to run with my son. teach him how to play crab soccer. build a fort. enjoy a walk by the river. but maybe a frail mom is better than one who isnt there at all. my leg always hurts now. pain killers dont work. and now my doctor says he found i have a blood infection. I had testing done today to check again. i should know in a few days. i had a nightmare the other night that i was in a coma for 6 years. i woke up and josh was a 7 year old boy. he didnt know me and i missed everything. thats what i am afraid of most. i dont want to miss his life. if i am dreaming, when do i get to wake up?

i really wish that giving up was an option... im so sick of being in pain... if i didnt have my son, i probably would... im tired of doctors, pills, tests. tired of pitty and sadness. tired of all the crappy visits and doctors telling me my odds. tired of keeping a straight face in public. im not afraid to die... but im not ready. how is this fair? everyone says how im "so happy and uplifted all the time..." well, this is who i really am. im sad, depressed, and i dont feel like anyone else understands...how could they? i have so much im not willing to leave here on Earth. Everyday reminds me that im one day closer to death. and why havent i started the treatment that can save my life? because i cant afford it. i dont want to leave my husband in debt when it cant save me.