YAY!

it only took 2 weeks but i think im over my sickness! (i had my bishop and hubby give me a blessing... so... ) anyways. i just hope that i dont celebrate too early. hahaha.

ugh.....so sick...

so i woke up this morning at 3 am. robert took my fever. 101.5. not that big of a deal right? maybe for you healthy people. if i reach 102.0 i get to be hospitalized... again. 3 times since feb. yay. im so hot but im so cold. its probably just what my son had, but thats still not very good. curse me and my weak immune system. its bad enough i dont have a spleen. thanks doc in utah. all of this would have been a little better had you listened to me almost 4 years ago... but hey. they went to med school for a long time to make the big bucks right?... what do i know...

WARNING: BAD DAY- you know what isnt fair???

healthcare. when we were forced to move to california because we didnt have any other option, (other than just roll over and die)we HAD to drop our private insurance because it didnt cover anything outside the state of Utah. Now im stuck on crappy State insurance just so i could get on a clinical trial that probably isnt working anymore. Now, if i want to go home or go somewhere else for treatment outside of california im NOT INSURED because insurance companies wont go anywhere near me. why do they have to make this so hard? i cant keep moving every time a new clinical trial opens up. I called the Cancer center in AZ, the one i went to last year. NOW they have trials open for Adrenal cancer. and sadly, i would have to pay out of pocket to go there. my last week there cost $32,000. so, i can only assume what it would cost me now. is it really worth it anymore?? i cant keep putting this type of stress on my husband. we will never be able to afford keeping me alive it seems. i know i am probably going to sound like a baby but it really isnt fair! why is the treatment so damn expensive!? the hospitals charge 1000 times more for treatment and pills and doctors visits than they have to. there isnt even any type of assistance for people like me. im going to die and im going to be in pain the whole time. i hate this! i see all these teenagers who are whining because they dont have a car, or lots of friends, or they dont have a boyfriend or girlfriend. they think their lives are over. you know what: screw you! there are worse things. i hate to see some people throw their lives away so young. they have so much potential and they dont care! they have young healthy bodies and they SMOKE and DRINK! you want bad lungs? you want a failing liver? you can have mine. im stuck living in an apartment when i have a perfectly good home in utah. i want to go home so badly, but its getting to the point where i dont know where home is anymore... i may have family close to me here, but i miss the feeling of peace. if im going down fast i want to at least be somewhere peaceful...