Wednesday, March 9, 2011
ugh.....so sick...
so i woke up this morning at 3 am. robert took my fever. 101.5. not that big of a deal right? maybe for you healthy people. if i reach 102.0 i get to be hospitalized... again. 3 times since feb. yay. im so hot but im so cold. its probably just what my son had, but thats still not very good. curse me and my weak immune system. its bad enough i dont have a spleen. thanks doc in utah. all of this would have been a little better had you listened to me almost 4 years ago... but hey. they went to med school for a long time to make the big bucks right?... what do i know...
Monday, March 7, 2011
WARNING: BAD DAY- you know what isnt fair???
healthcare. when we were forced to move to california because we didnt have any other option, (other than just roll over and die)we HAD to drop our private insurance because it didnt cover anything outside the state of Utah. Now im stuck on crappy State insurance just so i could get on a clinical trial that probably isnt working anymore. Now, if i want to go home or go somewhere else for treatment outside of california im NOT INSURED because insurance companies wont go anywhere near me. why do they have to make this so hard? i cant keep moving every time a new clinical trial opens up. I called the Cancer center in AZ, the one i went to last year. NOW they have trials open for Adrenal cancer. and sadly, i would have to pay out of pocket to go there. my last week there cost $32,000. so, i can only assume what it would cost me now. is it really worth it anymore?? i cant keep putting this type of stress on my husband. we will never be able to afford keeping me alive it seems. i know i am probably going to sound like a baby but it really isnt fair! why is the treatment so damn expensive!? the hospitals charge 1000 times more for treatment and pills and doctors visits than they have to. there isnt even any type of assistance for people like me. im going to die and im going to be in pain the whole time. i hate this! i see all these teenagers who are whining because they dont have a car, or lots of friends, or they dont have a boyfriend or girlfriend. they think their lives are over. you know what: screw you! there are worse things. i hate to see some people throw their lives away so young. they have so much potential and they dont care! they have young healthy bodies and they SMOKE and DRINK! you want bad lungs? you want a failing liver? you can have mine. im stuck living in an apartment when i have a perfectly good home in utah. i want to go home so badly, but its getting to the point where i dont know where home is anymore... i may have family close to me here, but i miss the feeling of peace. if im going down fast i want to at least be somewhere peaceful...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
sunshine
my sister cousin found out she is having a baby boy today. thats so exciting! my sister is pregnant as well so i get to enjoy 2 babies this year! i cant wait untill they get to see how fun (and difficult) life with a child is. i still cant believe im a mom. josh is a lot of work but hes worth it. yesterday was valentines day. josh and i worked together to make a few cards. he really liked painting and using stickers. i hope he has an interest in art like i do. every day is another surprise.
Monday, January 31, 2011
stupid doctors
ok, so after my blog post i was sent to the cancer center to get my radiation. right as i finished my treatment the fire alarm went off. fire department was on their way and everything. they started to evacuate everyone but i was in a wheelchair. i was the last one. i thought i was going to burn to a crisp. then this girl came out of the kitchen yelling "im sorry! its just my toast! no fire!" they evacuated us anyways. after i got out of that mess i came back to the main hospital and back to my 14th floor. as soon as i got off the elevator an automated womans voice came on the intercom along with a siren she said "level red emergency. please evactuate level 14. fire hazard. level red emergency. level 14" i looked at my driver of my wheelchair. "what the heck, didnt we just leave that?" it was a drill. i thought it was following me everywhere. lol. anyways. after that fun moment i had a doctor come in and tell me there was nothing else they could do for me. the treatment isnt working. she said she was sorry then left. after falling into a spiraling depression for a few hours my real doctor calls me and tells me that isnt true. i will be starting up my treatment again next week. i hate hospitals. they are all so stupid.
why do i have to be in pain to learn a lesson?
i think its time i updated everyone on whats going on.
last sunday the 23rd of jan i woke up with a pulled leg. this happens sometimes because i roll too fast in my sleep and my left leg has cancer tumors in my hip so about the size of golf balls so it hurts. anyways, woke with a bad leg. tried to take care of robert and josh. (robert had the flu) josh was still healthy but he was go go go. finally on i called my mom and asked her to take him. my cousins hubby matt took him to my moms. i was able to rest my leg. i tried taking tylenol. no. prescription pain killers. didnt work either. later i tried a muscle relaxant. nope. i was in a lot of pain and i am not ashamed to say i was bawling like a baby. throughout the night i wasnt getting any sleep and robert took the bed while i slept on the couch. i made a bed out there in the front room ut no matter how i tried, i was never going to get some sleep. tuesday rolled around and i felt the same. my pain was throbing and i cried anytime i had to walk to the bathroom. finally, my mom took me to the doctors to get some nice morphine. guess what... it didnt work. i went back to her house so she could watch me. i saw my son. he was crying though becase i was crying. suddenly i had a panic attack. i couldnt breath and the pain increased somehow, if it was even possible. my mom called 911 and for the first time in my crazy unhealthy life i rode in an ambulance. i got my good drugs there and for the first time in 3 days i was pain free. then they wanted to send me home. i knew the pain free was temporary...i got home and did okay through the night. the next day i went to a doctors apointemt and went over the CT scans i had a few days earlier. he said the tumors in my left leg were agitaitng my bones or something was cracking. great,just what i wanted to hear. then he admitted me to the hospital so they could figure out why i was in so much pain. after a few more labs and a lot of painful MRIs and exrays, they told me i had infeccted fluid around my right hip bone. they wanted to stick a needle down in there and pull it out. sounds like fun. so they did. hurt like hell even with the numbing meds. my doctor came in and told me my cancer is probably spreding to my right hip. dont know how long im suppose to be here now. sort of just waiting. side surprises ive had have been a nose bleed, a really bad reaction to my pnumonia vaccine, and not being able to potty because of all the meds.... whoopie! this pretty much coveres sunday to monday morning at 6 am. sigh
last sunday the 23rd of jan i woke up with a pulled leg. this happens sometimes because i roll too fast in my sleep and my left leg has cancer tumors in my hip so about the size of golf balls so it hurts. anyways, woke with a bad leg. tried to take care of robert and josh. (robert had the flu) josh was still healthy but he was go go go. finally on i called my mom and asked her to take him. my cousins hubby matt took him to my moms. i was able to rest my leg. i tried taking tylenol. no. prescription pain killers. didnt work either. later i tried a muscle relaxant. nope. i was in a lot of pain and i am not ashamed to say i was bawling like a baby. throughout the night i wasnt getting any sleep and robert took the bed while i slept on the couch. i made a bed out there in the front room ut no matter how i tried, i was never going to get some sleep. tuesday rolled around and i felt the same. my pain was throbing and i cried anytime i had to walk to the bathroom. finally, my mom took me to the doctors to get some nice morphine. guess what... it didnt work. i went back to her house so she could watch me. i saw my son. he was crying though becase i was crying. suddenly i had a panic attack. i couldnt breath and the pain increased somehow, if it was even possible. my mom called 911 and for the first time in my crazy unhealthy life i rode in an ambulance. i got my good drugs there and for the first time in 3 days i was pain free. then they wanted to send me home. i knew the pain free was temporary...i got home and did okay through the night. the next day i went to a doctors apointemt and went over the CT scans i had a few days earlier. he said the tumors in my left leg were agitaitng my bones or something was cracking. great,just what i wanted to hear. then he admitted me to the hospital so they could figure out why i was in so much pain. after a few more labs and a lot of painful MRIs and exrays, they told me i had infeccted fluid around my right hip bone. they wanted to stick a needle down in there and pull it out. sounds like fun. so they did. hurt like hell even with the numbing meds. my doctor came in and told me my cancer is probably spreding to my right hip. dont know how long im suppose to be here now. sort of just waiting. side surprises ive had have been a nose bleed, a really bad reaction to my pnumonia vaccine, and not being able to potty because of all the meds.... whoopie! this pretty much coveres sunday to monday morning at 6 am. sigh
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Happy new years... now time to get busy
since this is a new year, i wanted to write down a list of things i want to do this year. i hope to do all of them.
1. travel to a state ive never been to before.
2. plant something.
3. go to the ocean.
4. play the violin again. (kinda need to get my hands on one first.
5. finish my book
6. be cancer free
:)
1. travel to a state ive never been to before.
2. plant something.
3. go to the ocean.
4. play the violin again. (kinda need to get my hands on one first.
5. finish my book
6. be cancer free
:)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
as the year draws to an end...
this year has been an emotional theme park. i cannot express enough gratitude and appreciation for everyone this year. sorry if its vague, but im serious. from my ALL of my parents and family; whether they be blood, step, in-law, or even adopted by friendship that means you Carol and Joy everyone has been there for my family in some way or another.
Mommy, thank you for juggling school and time to drive out to utah more times in 2 months than anyone should have to, to help me take care of josh. even if you say its no big deal, it is. thank you for letting my little family stay with you while robert looked for a job so we could get our own place again. i love everything you have had to offer, even a nice back scratching every now and then. im greatfull you have been there my whole life to sacrifice your time to give me a wonderful life.
Mom, thank you for being there with me through this whole mess. im glad you were there to hold my hand when i went through hell getting my son here to this earth. thank you for being that rock i needed to anchor myself to when i thought i wanted to just start planning my funeral. thank you for being the one to plant that idea in my head to go to Arizona cancer center. every girls night out and long talks on your bed- even though you had to get up early for work. you are always willing to talk when i need it. or vent about anything.
Dad, i know you and i havent seen eye to eye lately, im sorry if ive hurt you by distancing my family lately, but i want you to know im greatful for all our memories. i miss those days we would play record after record all day long. I still listen to ELO, Queen, and Boston because of you. i miss the random moments you decided to chase us, you would get that goofy look in your eye that we wouldnt notice untill the last minute. water fights- whoever got on the roof first had the best position. i miss moments when we would just get up and go to the rubicon. just the two of us. or when i was really little and you were teaching my how to draw a flower. i have always cherrished our memories together, through a lot of the bad there were always those shining moments that stood out. i love you very much but i still hurt. ive always been a very easy going and forgiving person, i just cant seem to forget the bad this time. i really am trying daddy. just give me more time. im glad you are trying too.
PAPA- i want to thank you for everything youve done. i know ive never really had a strong relationship with you growing up, but i cannot express how happy it makes me to see you and josh together. you show so much love for my baby boy, i never have to worry. i feel confident with him in your care. thank you for opening your home to us and dealing with my drama as well. Gracias papa
Marti/dennis- you are the best mother in law ever. :) you were also there through a lot of the bad. you helped me when i needed you, and you never complained. i miss being only a small car ride away. i used to make people laugh when i said i was going on vacation to my mother in laws. they thought i was being sarcastic, but in all reality i was telling the truth. i feel so relaxed and welcome at your home. i cannot express in words how much that meant to me. and dennis, you are the funniest guy i know. your humor is the other reason i love viisiting so much. sometimes i would ask robert if we could visit youguys and if our schedules were too busy i would fix it sso obscurely so we could go. thank you for watching josh while i was recovering, thank you for helping us clean and sell our stuff. thank you for being a wonderful example in everything you do.
to all of my friends in utah, im so very greatful to have made so many of you. EVERYONE ive ever worked with at CETC, you are all wonderful spirits. of course some of you are more favorite than others. sorry, its true. lol.
jill- you make me smile more than anyone i know. i love your comments and inside jokess we have. they cheer me up whenever i think of you. i miss moving things in your house so you will have to move them back. your the sweetest person i know.
shurlana- you are a no nonesense friend. thank you for not beating around the bush with anything. i miss hanging out with you. thank you for making me feel like i was needed somewhere.
Mandy- i miss cooking class and your yearly chocolate turtles. :( lol you were a great friend. i wish i had more energy to have hung out with you all more. i miss your stories and girls night at your house.
Liz- im glad i got to meet you. even if our friendship is not in person, i feel a strong connection with you. im greatful for everything you possible could do for us. you didnt have much but you helped as best you could. im glad you are able to enjoy motherhood and im sending wonderful energy your way.
everyone else at CETC, i love you too, dont stop being those shining stars that are doing more good than you know. i miss being there with all my heart. i miss every smiling face and i especially miss getting to make cat noises in public and finally having and excuse. ;)
to my 3rd mother Carol Johnson. thank you for being there since the day i met you. i was just another friend to brianne and you took me in and made me feel welcome. you and your family are the first true friends ive ever had and i feel honored every time you call me your 'other daughter'. i hope you and your family are blessed with support and comfort with the passing of your mother. she was just like you. im glad i was able to learn more about her. brianne is my best friend ive ever had. i hope she finds happiness and joy this next year. she deserves only the best.
to my 4th mother Joy cowley. i love you so much too. ive always felt a connection with you. thank you for all of your comments of my life. they make me laugh when i dont think i can anymore. even from 2 states away you were involved in my life. i cant thank you enough for being apart of my life. Felicia is my other sister. i dont think ive ever known any other friends like brianne and felicia. i still have that little green teddy bear you made. my son was walking around with it at christmas. he kept giving it kisses. thank you mom <3
TO EVERYONE IN HYRUM- i miss all of you and use you all in examples when people say utah is lame. i tell them about Nalyn and her wonderful family, sis wardle, sis ward, chelsea and robert brown and their two beautiful boys. i remind them how when we needed it most we recived homemade jams, breads, and even homemade ground beef (poor bessie) without being asked. i tell them how i had a babysiter for josh even if it was last minute and i had those willing to drive me to doctors visits from logan to salt lake. ive never met anyone like any of you before. i miss you all so much, i wish nevada would trade places with utah. then it wouldnt be so bad. :)
To everyone else in my life, i mean utah, california, and arizona, i want to thank you too. im sorry if i didnt give you your own special letter but hey, this is a freakin long blog post. (am i right) i want you to know, that every smile you have given me and my family, every invite, every anonymous gift, has made an impact in my life. i never thought i would know so many people by 23. or even have done or gone through as much as i have, good and bad. i know im not perfect, ive made decisions in my life that i regret now, but even those bad decisions have shaped me into the woman i am today. im greatful for YOU. it is because of you i can be confident with my situation, thank you and i wish you all a happy new year. dont stop being wonderful. i love you all.
Mommy, thank you for juggling school and time to drive out to utah more times in 2 months than anyone should have to, to help me take care of josh. even if you say its no big deal, it is. thank you for letting my little family stay with you while robert looked for a job so we could get our own place again. i love everything you have had to offer, even a nice back scratching every now and then. im greatfull you have been there my whole life to sacrifice your time to give me a wonderful life.
Mom, thank you for being there with me through this whole mess. im glad you were there to hold my hand when i went through hell getting my son here to this earth. thank you for being that rock i needed to anchor myself to when i thought i wanted to just start planning my funeral. thank you for being the one to plant that idea in my head to go to Arizona cancer center. every girls night out and long talks on your bed- even though you had to get up early for work. you are always willing to talk when i need it. or vent about anything.
Dad, i know you and i havent seen eye to eye lately, im sorry if ive hurt you by distancing my family lately, but i want you to know im greatful for all our memories. i miss those days we would play record after record all day long. I still listen to ELO, Queen, and Boston because of you. i miss the random moments you decided to chase us, you would get that goofy look in your eye that we wouldnt notice untill the last minute. water fights- whoever got on the roof first had the best position. i miss moments when we would just get up and go to the rubicon. just the two of us. or when i was really little and you were teaching my how to draw a flower. i have always cherrished our memories together, through a lot of the bad there were always those shining moments that stood out. i love you very much but i still hurt. ive always been a very easy going and forgiving person, i just cant seem to forget the bad this time. i really am trying daddy. just give me more time. im glad you are trying too.
PAPA- i want to thank you for everything youve done. i know ive never really had a strong relationship with you growing up, but i cannot express how happy it makes me to see you and josh together. you show so much love for my baby boy, i never have to worry. i feel confident with him in your care. thank you for opening your home to us and dealing with my drama as well. Gracias papa
Marti/dennis- you are the best mother in law ever. :) you were also there through a lot of the bad. you helped me when i needed you, and you never complained. i miss being only a small car ride away. i used to make people laugh when i said i was going on vacation to my mother in laws. they thought i was being sarcastic, but in all reality i was telling the truth. i feel so relaxed and welcome at your home. i cannot express in words how much that meant to me. and dennis, you are the funniest guy i know. your humor is the other reason i love viisiting so much. sometimes i would ask robert if we could visit youguys and if our schedules were too busy i would fix it sso obscurely so we could go. thank you for watching josh while i was recovering, thank you for helping us clean and sell our stuff. thank you for being a wonderful example in everything you do.
to all of my friends in utah, im so very greatful to have made so many of you. EVERYONE ive ever worked with at CETC, you are all wonderful spirits. of course some of you are more favorite than others. sorry, its true. lol.
jill- you make me smile more than anyone i know. i love your comments and inside jokess we have. they cheer me up whenever i think of you. i miss moving things in your house so you will have to move them back. your the sweetest person i know.
shurlana- you are a no nonesense friend. thank you for not beating around the bush with anything. i miss hanging out with you. thank you for making me feel like i was needed somewhere.
Mandy- i miss cooking class and your yearly chocolate turtles. :( lol you were a great friend. i wish i had more energy to have hung out with you all more. i miss your stories and girls night at your house.
Liz- im glad i got to meet you. even if our friendship is not in person, i feel a strong connection with you. im greatful for everything you possible could do for us. you didnt have much but you helped as best you could. im glad you are able to enjoy motherhood and im sending wonderful energy your way.
everyone else at CETC, i love you too, dont stop being those shining stars that are doing more good than you know. i miss being there with all my heart. i miss every smiling face and i especially miss getting to make cat noises in public and finally having and excuse. ;)
to my 3rd mother Carol Johnson. thank you for being there since the day i met you. i was just another friend to brianne and you took me in and made me feel welcome. you and your family are the first true friends ive ever had and i feel honored every time you call me your 'other daughter'. i hope you and your family are blessed with support and comfort with the passing of your mother. she was just like you. im glad i was able to learn more about her. brianne is my best friend ive ever had. i hope she finds happiness and joy this next year. she deserves only the best.
to my 4th mother Joy cowley. i love you so much too. ive always felt a connection with you. thank you for all of your comments of my life. they make me laugh when i dont think i can anymore. even from 2 states away you were involved in my life. i cant thank you enough for being apart of my life. Felicia is my other sister. i dont think ive ever known any other friends like brianne and felicia. i still have that little green teddy bear you made. my son was walking around with it at christmas. he kept giving it kisses. thank you mom <3
TO EVERYONE IN HYRUM- i miss all of you and use you all in examples when people say utah is lame. i tell them about Nalyn and her wonderful family, sis wardle, sis ward, chelsea and robert brown and their two beautiful boys. i remind them how when we needed it most we recived homemade jams, breads, and even homemade ground beef (poor bessie) without being asked. i tell them how i had a babysiter for josh even if it was last minute and i had those willing to drive me to doctors visits from logan to salt lake. ive never met anyone like any of you before. i miss you all so much, i wish nevada would trade places with utah. then it wouldnt be so bad. :)
To everyone else in my life, i mean utah, california, and arizona, i want to thank you too. im sorry if i didnt give you your own special letter but hey, this is a freakin long blog post. (am i right) i want you to know, that every smile you have given me and my family, every invite, every anonymous gift, has made an impact in my life. i never thought i would know so many people by 23. or even have done or gone through as much as i have, good and bad. i know im not perfect, ive made decisions in my life that i regret now, but even those bad decisions have shaped me into the woman i am today. im greatful for YOU. it is because of you i can be confident with my situation, thank you and i wish you all a happy new year. dont stop being wonderful. i love you all.
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