big moment...

im getting ready to go to my doctors today. i had CT scans done yesterday and today i will know if this drug ive been on for the past 2 months is doing anything helpful or if my hair is turning white just to be funny. please please please let this be good news. if it isnt working my doctor said hes going to find another drug trial to put me on. i cant go through this roller coaster anymore. its driving me insane! why does life have to be so complicated? the only reason i havent snapped yet is because i would never have taken this life if i knew i couldnt handle it. i hope i am right about my own strength.

finally something good...

MediCal FINALLY fixed everything and i am back on track to getting treatment. talk about cutting it close. Today was the deadline before i would loose my spot on the clinical trial. lol. i had a nervous breakdown today because i thought i was screwed. then at 4:30 pm i get a call that everything is good. ugh. so much stress. lol. then we went and finally found an apartment. im so excited! we cant move in until next wednesday. FREEDOM IS SO CLOSE! I cant wait. maybe my luck is finally starting to change... knock on wood. now i just need furniture. lol. my aunt said she has a table so yay. we sold all of our stuff before we moved here remember? who cares. less mess right? :)

homesick

i want to go home. i miss everything about where we lived. we got a letter from the IRS saying we have to pay back the first time homebuyers credit because we arent living there anymore. is it sad that i dont even care anymore? one bad thing after another. its like im not suppose to be here in california. maybe i should just go home. i havent been able to get treatment in 3 weeks. medical has switched my plan and now my doctors office doesnt accept me. unless i want to pay $1,000.00 every time i want to get infusion. maybe im doing this all wrong. maybe i missed something. im so tired of living with my mother. i dont feel like a mom anymore. i dont want to do anything. where is my sunshine?

family pictures

im glad we were able to take family pictures this year. i feel like such a slaker.

Trip to Utah

so, we went out to Utah for a week. it was nice, it felt like we were going home after a long and terrible vacation to california. i dont think i was prepared to see my home housing another family. it was hard. i remembered all my family pictures and decorations hanging on the wall. the memories that came with every room. i began to cry. i know its a stupid thing to cry over. its just a house, but still. heres what i am going through since joshs birthday. i started my clinical trial in october. i take a pill once a day, and get an infusion of another drug once a week.
fun side effects include:
-not being able to taste salt
-not being able to taste sugar
-nausea (sometimes the fun that comes with nausea too)
-low energy
- and my hair is growing in white. :(

things were going well for a while, untill my state insurance decided to change me to another small insurance company. (im on disability so im suppose to stay on medi-Cal.) now my doctors office isnt able to accept that plan so hey, that means no more treatment. i called medi_cal and complained, but apparently its a lot easier to change me off of their plan than to go back. so im in limbo for now.

we went to the Prelitigation hearing against the hospital tuesday. They made me look like a liar. the doctors pretended to have empathy for me and then said i never told them any of my concerns. this makes me sad because now we might not get anything. which means i might never move out of my moms.

it seems like all we have is bad luck. we are broke, living with my mom, and now i cant afford my treatment. i wish my luck would change. i really want to just get a place of our own, but i dont think thats going to happen...

today is my baby boys 1st birthday party!

for those of you who follow this blog you get a sneak peek at the cake. :p i had to post it its so awesome!

For those of you who follow this i want to warn you. the words i write here are what i feel inside. some things are in the moment. some things more personal. this is my journal. it is the only thing i have that i can express every fear and joy without feeling judged and i dont have to sugar coat anything. im not looking for attention or trying to make people feel sad or sorry. this is my life. and so...

im scared. things keep happening to me and i feel i am slipping. why is my body breaking down? i had a dream i was in a field and there were flowers all around me. there were trees and creeks and it was beautiful. i even had long hair again. lol. i saw josh playing in the water, only he was about 4 or 5 years old. he was talking to me saying, "mommy, come play with me before you have to go again." i was having a dream in a dream. i was in joshs dream. he could only see me when he was sleeping. and i was so sad that i didnt have enough time with him. why do i keep hurting myself like this? why cant i escape reality into a dream where nothing hurts me. where im not sick.

i dont remember if i mentioned this, i was rejected for the clinical trial because my insurance company denied coverage for it. i have been trying for the past few weeks to apply for state and federal assistance. i guess my situation is pretty bad if i was approved for federal disability in about 11 days and state assistance and mediCAL in about 2 weeks. that means i can get my spot back in the clinical trial. hopefully this is the road to my future. i hope this treatment works...